[instrumental music]
Will you come on? We're gonna be late. Every time.
[Debra] 'Coming.'
I can't believe you're gonna
miss this game just to go to some
stupid school parents' night.
You think I wanna? I just wanna go, so I can get back.
You are some special kind of lady.
Will you come on?
Here you go, boys.
- What's that? - Just some snacks.
Oh, those are your calzones, your homemade calzones. Aww.
Stupid parent night.
Relax, Raymond. I'll save you some.
And then we'll dance around in fairy land.
The cheese is burning the inside of your mouth, isn't it?
I don't care.
[theme music]
Oh, did you do that yourself?
They're coming.
[dramatic music playing]
[music continues]
[lock clicks]
[music resumes]
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey, can we go?
- No, wait a minute. Come here. - What's up?
I have such great dirt. Come here.
What?
You know Cheryl Kaler?
- No. - We're at her house, Ray.
- Oh. - Okay.
So she's showing me around upstairs, right?
And I say how great she looks, I didn't really think she looked
that great but she was wearing this tight pink outfit.
So anyway, she says, "Well, I had a little work done."
and I said, "Oh," and she says
"Yeah, what do you think?" and she goes like this.
- You're kidding. - No.
Then she shuts the door, and she lifts up her blouse.
What?
Ohh. Well, where the hell was I?
So I was just like, I said, "Wow."
And she says, "They are so natural. Go ahead. Touch."
[gasps]
She wants you.
I mean, she was, like, acting all proud, you know?
And she tells me the whole story
how she drops the kids off at school.
She has it done in the morning
she's home in the afternoon.
- It was unbelievable. - Yeah, unbelievable.
I'm down here eating bowls of crap, and you get..
- You get "Come in, Tokyo." - Oh, stop.
- Well, that's your fault. - This is incredible.
- Which one is she? - Never mind. We got to go.
'Cause I told your mom we'd be home by 10:00.
- Well, no, no, wait, wait. - I'll go get my purse.
- 'Oh, I'm sorry.' - Come on.
No, I'm an involved parent here.
- Oh, hi, Ray. - Hi. You must be Cheryl.
- Yes. - Yeah.
I was-have we met?
No, no. No, we haven't, no.
Not until right now. Yeah. Yeah.
It's a great party, though. Yeah.
[clears throat] These are good.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey, Ray, you missed it.
Phenomenal game.
Well, but at least I saved you some calzo-- Aww.
Sorry.
Okay. I don't care.
So how was your party, dear?
Well, it started out slow but then
it turned out to be the best night of my life.
Come on.
- Tell 'em what you saw. - Nothing.
Tell 'em.
One of the mothers in ally's class had breast implants.
Oh, I don't like that.
And at the party, she showed 'em to me.
- What? - What do you mean?
- Wait a minute. - She just showed you?
- Both of them? - Shirt on or off?
- With a brassiere? - What were you wearing?
All valid questions.
What is the matter with you guys? Come on. How old are you?
Good grief. What's the big friggin' deal?
- She touched 'em. - Oh!
Oh, come on. Come on.
That's right. That's right.
See, I expect this from Frank
but you boys have no reason
to have any interest in such things.
Why not?
Because I never nursed them.
What the hell are you talking about?
Everybody knows that if you breast-feed boys
when they're babies, they're gonna grow up
to be obsessed with breasts.
That's why you didn't breast-feed me?
That, and the two of you were almost the same height.
We were getting looks.
Oh, Debra, dear, I'm curious.
What were they like?
Ugh. They were totally fake.
Well, well, go on. I mean, they weren't fake.
They were real. They do exist, you know.
If they fell down in a forest, they'd make a sound.
Well, I think it's sad when people start having surgery
to make themselves bigger.
Marie did it the natural way.
Pound cake.
I agree with Marie, I think a boob job
is a totally stupid procedure.
but fantastic when done properly.
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
Ohh. Whoo, boy.
I didn't think that was gonna happen
after that look you gave me downstairs.
Well, a rule is a rule.
You know, you're going on the road for a week.
You got to get the proper send-off.
Nothing proper about what you just did, young lady.
[laughs]
So, Ray... you don't think I need a boob job, do you?
No.
Not if you think it's stupid.
What's that supposed to mean?
What? Nothing.
Really?
Hey, you know I like them.
Yeah. Okay, Ray, okay.
- Come on. - Alright.
You know I love Barnes & Noble.
Ah.
Come on.
- Come on. - It's fine, Ray.
- It's just fine. - I love them.
Yeah. Don't worry about it.
- I always loved them. - Don't worry about it.
Hey, I'll write 'em a poem.
No, thank you.
I think that I shall never see--
Okay, yes. Thanks. Forget it.
Don't get mad. I didn't mean anything by that.
I say a lot of stuff. You shouldn't listen to me.
Usually, you don't.
I know. Forget it. Forget it. It's stupid. Forget it.
Goodnight.
Alright, goodnight.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Nickel, I'm back. Deb.
[Debra] 'Yeah, hi, honey. I'll be down in a minute.'
Okay.
Hey.
- Hey. - Hey. Saw you pull up.
- What's up? - Aw, nothin' much.
- How was your trip? - Yes, fine.
- Yeah. Good flight? - Yeah.
How was the, uh... the weather there?
Alright, what game is on?
Seattle, Tampa Bay. Dad's giving me seven and a half.
When are one of you guys gonna get your own satellite dish?
Shut up.
Oops, sorry that took so long.
Oh. Hi, guys.
It's just that Geoffrey was having that
Humpty-Dumpty dream again, you know, all the king's horses
and all the king's men couldn't put dada-da-dada-da, you know.
He just has a real hard time with that one.
I think that's why he won't eat eggs, so...
How was your trip?
- What? - Nothing, nothing.
New haircut?
No. I am using a new conditioner, though.
Oh, looks nice.
Adds body.
Look, Debra and I got to talk, okay? So go away.
No.
Come on, look, I just got home
and I'm awfully tired here, okay?
We're watching the game.
Raymond, dear, ohh.
Ooh, you must be famished from your trip
so I brought you some ravio-li.
I-I'll just go warm this up.
I'll take it, ma. Thanks.
You know, dear, I'm thinking maybe you used
the wrong setting on your dryer.
Oh, look, alright. Listen, guys, I'm really tired.
I'm tired here, and Debra and I
we got a lot of catching up to do
so if you'd all be so kind as to leave now
I'll give you each $1,000.
- No. - Oh, come on. Come on.
Come on. Oh, Frank. Stop it. Come on, stop it.
Come on. Come on. This is none of our business.
Raymond gets everything.
I kind of wanted you to be the first one to see.
What do you think?
I think... I don't believe it.
You didn't really... I was gone a week.
You like 'em?
I-I-I..
- Let me see. - No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, not here. Do you wanna go upstairs?
Do I?
- I think you do. - I think I do.
Okay.
I'm just gonna brush my teeth.
I'm going upstairs.
Well, how's it going in there?
[Debra] 'I'll be right out.'
[gargling]
[spits]
Okay.
[sniffs]
How you doin'?
Fine.
You know, it's not really polite to stare, Ray.
Sorry. It's just..
What did you do?
I, uh, made some improvements, don't you think?
Really? You-really?
I-I-this is just..
You know, one time, I went on the road, and I came back
you had the driveway sealed.
I got a little turned on when I saw that.
But this is... better.
It is better 'cause you couldn't use the driveway
for a couple of days.
[laughs]
Oh, my God.
[sighs] So you're okay with this.
Okay?
I mean, it doesn't bother you that I look different?
Hey, look, if it doesn't bother you
then who am I to say, really?
Whatever-what you do with your body, that's your choice
and I-I think that you made two excellent choices.
You're happy, right?
- I just-I love you so much. - Ah-ah-ah-ah.
What? Oh. Are they still tender? 'Cause I can be gentle.
Okay.
Wanna see 'em?
Oh-you want to show 'em to me.
- You might want to back up. - Heh-you might want to back up.
Idiot.
- Socks? What? - You are a jerk.
You're really disappointed now, aren't you?
I'm not disappointed. I'm scared.
What did you think, that I was gonna have
plastic surgery for you?
Yeah-well, what do you-no. You said you did.
I did not. You just wanted me to so badly.
What? When did I say that?
-The night of the parents thing. - What? What'd I say?
I asked you, "Do you think I need a boob job?"
And you said, "Not if you think it's stupid."
Okay, so what's wrong with that?
"Not if you think it's stupid?"
That means you don't think it's stupid.
And you just said, "Two excellent choices."
What? What the..
I thought that you had surgery.
I thought I was being supportive, that's all.
What do you-what do you-you wanna come back from surgery
and have me go, "Ehhhh"?
What you should've said was, "I love your body the way it is
and you shouldn't change it ever."
I do love your body the way it is.
Oh, baloney, all I had to do is stuff a couple of socks in there
and you're hyperventilating.
- That's entrapment. - It is not.
Yes, of course it is. You're walking around like..
Oh, I didn't do that. I didn't do that. I didn't do that.
Oh, then what did you do? What did you do?
Seems like you went to a lot of trouble
just to get me to say that I like breasts.
- Big breasts. - Yeah.
Yeah, okay, and a nice butt too.
Huh? I'm sick.
You know when you should start worrying is when I say
I don't like those things.
You are obsessed with those things.
I'm not the one who had fake surgery.
And all those times you say, "Hey, you look great."
- It was all lies. - Oh, come on.
I mean it when I say that.
Alright, no, sometimes I mean
"Hurry up, we're late."
But usually, I mean you look great.
- Right, right. - It's true.
You always look great, it's just tonight
you looked different great.
God, I'm telling-I am so sick of this juvenile
preoccupation with boob size and perkiness and cleavage and--
I've had three kids, you know?
These are not just for show. These were working breasts.
Come on, honey.
Aw, come on. You say that like they're retired.
They're still useful.
They can do some occasional consulting work.
Forget it. I know what you're really like now.
Oh.
I really like you.
God... I just don't know why looks are so important.
I don't care how you look.
What does that mean?
- Nothing. - No, no, wait a minute.
Wait a minute-I mean
you always used to say that "Oh, you're so cute."
I'm still cute, right?
Ray, your being cute has nothing to do with your appearance.
Then what the hell is it?
Oh, nothing-I just meant, you know, I don't care
if you've gone, like, soft in the middle
or your hairline's receding and you have this concave ass.
Cute is just who you are.
Concave?
Hey, you know, these jeans are relaxed-fit.
If they were regular, my ass would come alive.
I don't need it alive. I'm fine with the way you look.
No, you're not.
Ray, I happen to love you for you.
I don't care about that. I want to be a hottie.
So did I.
Yeah, well--
You're a hottie even without the socks.
Ohh.
Oh, you said I didn't need socks.
Alright.
I like you and your breasts.
And I like you and your breasts.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Where- Why did you say "breasts" for?
- 'Cause you just said it. - Yeah, well, you have breasts.
- I don't have breasts. - Pecs. I meant to say pecs.
I know what you said, and I know what you meant.
You meant my sagging breasts.
I've had three kids too, you know.
[instrumental music]
You want my socks?
[Ray] 'It's not what it looks like.'
I saw a mouse.
[theme music]