[door opens]
Hello?
[doorbell rings]
[ringing continues]
I'm coming.
[clears throat]
Hello, dear.
You busy?
Um, I was just upstairs folding laundry.
Oh.
I'm telling you, it never stops.
- Well, good for you. - Yeah.
So do you need anything?
Oh, yes, I was wondering if you have any nasal spray.
See, Frank has got.. Uh, um.. oh.
What's this?
Oh, it's a, it's a guidebook on
how to talk to your kids about sex.
Why?
Actually, Ally's already starting to ask questions.
- Oh, really? - Yup.
Well, may I ask what's going on around here
that she needs to ask questions?
What? Nothing.
Well, you know, they make robes that cover up a person.
- What? - Yes, with a zipper.
You know, I have-I have to get back to my laundry.
No, no, I'm really serious, Debra.
Why would you want to introduce a subject matter of this kind
to an innocent child?
Oh, listen, you should be happy we're taking care of this
because eventually, she might ask you a question.
[gasps]
But I'm her grandmother.
Yes, but you're a person, you're a woman.
Oh, I don't like this, Debra.
She-she might ask about you and grandpa.
Well, if she does, I will change the subject
and give her a cookie.
Is that what you do when grandpa asks?
[laughs] I'm sorry.
[laughs]
Yes. Nothing's off-limits.
Oh, Marie, I didn't mean anything.
Anyway, he doesn't ask anymore.
- Really? - Let me tell you something.
There are a lot more important things in a marriage than that
like friendship and trust
and, and keeping a neat house.
Oh.
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry to hear that.
Dearie, people our age aren't preoccupied with these things.
So how long has it been since you've had..
...since you started focusing on the neatness of the house?
I-I-I don't know, 20 years.
Twenty years? You haven't..
No, no, I wouldn't say never.
I'd say.. Oh, once a year.
- Once a year for 20 years? - Yeah, on average.
I'll tell you something, dear.
Some day, this house will be a lot neater.
[instrumental music]
[TV playing]
[clears throat]
Goodnight.
- Ray. - What? What?
I-I just want to watch this.
- What? What are you doing? - We have a problem.
Yeah, I was watching that.
[TV playing]
Why didn't you respond to me?
I-I said "goodnight."
Honey, I'm trying to get your attention.
Alright, can you just give me one second? Alright?
This is good.
It's a Scottish guy throwing a log.
For the championship.
Would you turn it off, please?
Alright.
[exhales]
We're turning into your parents.
Okay, which one am I?
[chuckles softly]
I've got some news for you, Ray.
Your sex drive is diminishing.
Well, if you're my mom, what do you expect?
I'm serious, Ray.
Look, I-I used to have to fend you off every night.
Now it's down to less than once a week.
- No, it's not. - Yes, it is.
- No, it's not. - Yes, it is, Ray.
Oh, yeah?
Well, maybe if I'm trying less
it's because of all the rejection, huh?
Yeah, I'm like the, the monkey who gets shocked
every time he reaches for the pellet.
Do you realize that for the last 20 years
your parents have only had sex once a year?
What? Who told you that?
- Your mother. - What?! What?! What?!
Why?! Why?! Why did you talk about that?
'Cause she-she saw the sex book
and we just started talking, and she told me.
Well, why are you telling me?
Because you're turning into your father.
Listen, things started slowing down for them
when they were the age that we are now.
We're not them.
I just kissed you, rubbed your chest
kissed you again in an impure manner.
You never took your eyes off the TV.
Ten years ago, all I had to do was be awake.
Sometimes not even that.
I'm still.. I-I'm still..
...sex machine.
Come on, it was just today.
You know, today, it was a long day, and the kids..
I had a heavy meal.
You know what? I don't need excuses.
Come on, let's go, right now, me and you.
Let's go, mano a womano.
You know, I don't want to do it
just 'cause you want to prove something.
I don't want to prove something.
I just love to sex you up.
- Alright, stop it, Ray. - No.
You know, you never want to talk about anything.
I-I'm ready now. I'm..
The monkey never learns.
[instrumental music]
More cheeseballs?
Yup, and keep 'em coming.
It's funny how you and me both like cheeseballs.
Yeah, I guess.
Yup.
And the ladies.
The ladies?
Yeah, the Barone boys, we love those ladies.
Hey, any action lately?
W-w-what do.. what do you mean action?
You asking about me and Amy?
No, no, not about you and Amy.
You know, just, frequency.
Frequency with me and Amy?
I don't think Amy would appreciate
her name coming up in this type of...venue.
Alright, so don't-don't use the name Amy, you know?
Just, just tell me how often between you and "Gail."
Could it not be Gail?
Because I have a superior named Gail.
She's a beast.
Alright, call her whatever you want.
- I just.. - Vanessa.
Okay, fine.
Say, Rob, how are things between you and Vanessa?
Oh, pretty good.
[Ray] 'Yeah?'
Like, how often would you say you and Vanessa, you know?
You know, to be honest, it's not like it used to be.
Why? Why? What's the matter?
Well, no, nothing. It's just, you know, you get older
and that's what happens.
It's natural.
Yeah, yeah.
- Why are you asking? - Oh, nothing, nothing.
Oh, wait a minute.
Raymond, do you have a problem?
[door opens]
What do you got for snacks?
Yeah, cheeseballs, cheeseballs.
I'm in.
You believe this game?
Oh, holy hell, somebody make a tackle!
It's like they're not wearing cups.
So, Raymond, what is the problem?
Hey, Robert, this is a pretty good game.
We should just shut up and watch it, alright?
What problem? What are you talking about?
Nothing, dad. Nothing.
Well, sounds like Raymond is having
a little trouble south of the border.
Oh, yeah?
Mr. Johnson not showing up for work?
That's a good one. That's a good one.
What's wrong with you? What are you talking about this for?
[Frank] 'Well, what's the matter?'
You want me to have a look at it?
Oh, my God! Will you..
There's nothing wrong with me, alright?
Ray, look, why don't you just ask dad what you asked me?
- Would you stop? - What? We're all men.
Dad, look, how many times would you say that you and mom..
Oh, somebody kill me.
And look, by the way, you don't have to call her mom.
We got a system. You can pick any name.
- Another name? - Yeah.
That way it's not embarrassing.
Yeah, I think we're past that.
Harriet Lichtman.
Alright, look, dad, forget it. You don't..
You don't got to answer.
I already know the answer, alright?
Your sex drive diminishes as you get older.
- Hey, speak for yourself. - What?
Look, I don't know about Harriet Lichtman
but as far as your mother and I are concerned
the saints are still marching in.
Alright, look, you don't have to exaggerate, dad.
Hey, in this department, I speak the truth.
Alright, yeah, whatever you say.
Not whatever I say, what is.
You can set your clock by me.
Yeah, if you set it every 20 years.
Hey, hey, hey, a little respect.
[Frank] 'Look, it's alright, it's alright.'
Listen, sonny, if you're having trouble
making the wee-wacky-woo-hoo..
...you did not get that from me.
You want to be honest? Let's be honest.
Mom told Debra how much things have slowed down
between you two.
Well, I, I might not be where I was at your age
but, I think a couple of times a week is pretty good.
Couple times a week?
Holy crap.
[Frank] 'That's right.'
And now if you'll excuse me
all this talk has kind of put me in the mood.
[door closes]
[instrumental music]
We should be having sex three times a week.
Where did you get that from?
These are the numbers, man.
If we want to be doing it twice a week 20 years from now
we should be doing it three times a week now.
- What? - My father told me his stats.
You talked to your father about their sex life?
Yes, I did, and listen everything my mother told you
yesterday, lies, okay?
My father told me the truth. It's the exact opposite.
- Twice a week. - No way!
- Yes! Ye.. Yes! - No! No, that is impossible.
Your mother told me, flat out, once a year.
And since when is she ever straight with you?
Well, she didn't lie about this
and-and Frank would lie especially about this.
- Why? Why do you say that? - Because he's a man.
So? So what? I'm a man.
Yeah, well, you lie to me about our own sex life.
When? When do I do that?
What does "all night long" mean to you?
It's a figure of speech.
Nobody really means that.
Men lie, and your father's a liar.
That is not true. My mother's the liar.
Ray, she didn't lie to me about this. She opened up to me.
Opened up? She played you like a Hawaiian on a ukulele.
Oh, you're impossible, you know that?
Your father makes up a story, and you just believe it.
- Because it's true! - Listen..
When your mom and I talked, she told me..
♪ La-la-la la ♪
Ray, I'm telling you.
♪ La-la-la la ♪♪
Come on. Alright.
Look, it's already Saturday.
We got to do it three times tomorrow.
Hi, Mrs. Scarpula.
[instrumental music]
[door opens]
Okay, listen, I got to ask both of you a question.
Sure, dear. What is it?
Uh..
[door opens]
What are you doing?
Uh..
She, she wanted to ask us something.
What is it, dear?
- Uh.. - Yes, what is it, dear?
We've been getting some conflicting reports
and, uh, what we would both like to know is
how often do the two of you actually..
Go to the theater?
Have sex.
[laughs]
Oh, this is as bad as it gets.
Oh, my God!
Marie, listen, I would never ask except--
Do you understand the meaning of a private conversation?
Yes, of course I do, but Frank said something that..
- What did you say? - Hey, I didn't talk to her.
Thanks for blabbing my business.
What? What are you so mad about?
You were proud of it. Just say the number.
No. Don't you dare!
- Have you no boundaries? - Look, I don't care.
If it's out in the open, it's out in the open.
- Twice a week. - Oh, Frank!
What are you saying? Don't lie like that.
- Okay, see? - Hey, who's lying?
What's wrong with you?
Why are we having this conversation?
Come on, Marie, I've got a reputation here.
Word of mouth is everything in this business.
I happen to be a lady, Frank.
- Ehh.. - Ooh!
[laughs]
What do you mean, Marie?
Is it true?
- Yes, it's true! - What?!
[banging on table]
See?
Eww.
Why did you tell me it was only once a year?
Because this whole topic is improper.
What we do in our bedroom is our own business
and I prefer not to be known as the whore of Lynbrook.
We can move from Lynbrook.
You know..
I-I don't understand, Marie. What are you so ashamed of?
She's ashamed to admit she likes it.
Oh, Frank!
How do you know I like it?
Well, who wouldn't like it?
Why don't you just admit it, Marie?
Yes, it's true.
I enjoy my sex life.
'Alright? Okay.'
I mean, forgive me, but, but in my day
a woman didn't discuss these things.
I mean, sex was a wifely duty, and the truth of the matter is
that your father happens to be..
...very competent.
A-a-and it's obvious that I'm a woman
a-and I have needs like any other woman.
Maybe I shouldn't be ashamed of sex
because it's, it's a very natural part of life.
And, and if I'm lucky enough to still enjoy
the pleasures of it, then, then I'm going to.
[Robert] 'Oh, God.'
[door slams]
Aren't you glad you came over?
Frank, tell the truth. It's not twice a week.
Well, give or take.
The point is, we're not dead.
You know, I can't believe this
but I actually want to ask you something.
Go ahead, dear.
How can you two be so..
...shouldn't you two be tired?
What's there to be tired about? I-I don't work anymore.
What else do I got to do?
And you're forgetting the most important thing about the sex.
Oh, God.
The kids are out of the house.
[both laugh]
Yeah, for years, you were dragging us down.
[laughing]
You remember the night when Robbie went
to his new apartment?
[Frank laughs]
Okay, come on, honey.
I think there's a bottle of Scotch with our name on it.
Hey, uh, don't take this personal
but for the next six months, no eye contact.
So what do you think?
Oh, stop it, Frank. I'm tired.
Alright. The soup's good.
[instrumental music]
- So what do you think? - I just..
I want to, but there's still these pictures in my head.
You know what you do, you just shake your head
like an etch-a-sketch.
[groans]
- What was that? - Oh.
- Was that something? - The kids?
No, maybe not.
[Ally] 'Mommy!'
[Ray groans]
- Okay, I'll go. - Thanks.
- Fourteen years till college. - Yeah, I'll see you then.
[theme music playing]