Listen, don't forget you gotta be home early tonight.
'Cause, 'cause somebody's coming over. See? I listen to you.
Yeah, somebody, my sister.
Yay, Aunt Jennifer!
- Can I ride her motorcycle? - No.
- But.. - And neither can daddy.
Come on, guys. Let's get ready for school.
Let's go. Wash up.
So how long is your sister staying?
Oh, for a while, I hope, this time.
Yeah, well, with her, we could just be some pit stop
to some acupunctury aroma therapy
Hindu festival of hugging.
She's just trying to find herself, Ray.
She hasn't looked near the soap.
She doesn't smell, Ray. That was patchouli oil that time.
Patchouli. What is that, Hindu for "stink"?
Stop it, Ray. She smells fine.
[Ray] 'Yeah, yeah, yeah.'
Hi, dears.
- I brought you my big spoon. - Ah, see? Ah.
[sniffs] Ah, see, that's beautiful.
That is what a woman should smell like.
[breathing deeply]
Lemon Pledge and meat sauce.
[instrumental music]
[Debra] 'Jeffrey, do not splash water out of the tub.'
'Ray, where you going?'
Ah, we.. I'm going to get towels.
- 'We don't need more towels.' - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we do.
[sighs]
[doorbell dings]
- Ray, door. - Ugh.
Guess I'll do everything.
- Ray! - Hey, Jennifer.
Ray, come here. Give me a hug.
How are ya?
Aw, look at this. Fresh from the tub.
[chuckles] Yeah, baths. You can't beat a nice bath.
- Jen! - Aw!
- Aunt Jennifer! - Give me a hug.
- She smells fine, Ray.
Really?
[Jennifer] 'Look how big you've gotten.'
I can't believe how long it's been.
- Yeah, two years. - Really?
Yeah. Well, you've been so busy.
Oh, mom and dad told me they saw you in Sri Lanka.
Oh, it's so great there. You should go.
Oh, sure, right after I fold these towels.
- Okay, who wants presents? - Oh, presents!
- Me! I do! I do! - Me! Me too.
- Sorry, Ray. - Eh..
- Oh, that's for you. - A necklace!
Ohh, very pretty. What are these, rosary beads?
And look at this, prayer cards. Hmm.
Hey, a Saint Jude rookie card.
Okay, what do you say to Aunt Jennifer?
[kids] Thank you, Aunt Jennifer.
- You're welcome. - Aw.
Where'd you get all that stuff?
From work.
Where do you work, heaven?
Maybe someday. I'm a nun.
[cackles]
- Great, you're a nun. - I am!
- No, you're not. - Yes, I am.
I joined the Sisters of Charity.
We got a secret handshake and everything.
- Oh, stop that. - Really, I am a nun.
Or I will be in a couple weeks when I take my final vows.
After that, they're sending me to Zaire.
What do you mean, like, in Africa?
Yep.
Wow, you gotta.. You gotta get a big shot in your..
...your bottom for that.
I already did.
Man, you're really into this.
Are you hungry? 'Cause I'll heat something up for ya.
Wait. What do you think?
Oh, about the nun thing?
It's great. That is just great.
- Is meat loaf okay? - 'Sure.'
Ooh, Debra's meat loaf. You might need another shot.
You know the expression, turn the other cheek. Oh.
Uh, I'm sorry. I'm real sorry.
I'm sorry. Yeah.
- Are you thirsty? - Yeah.
Yeah, alright, I'll-I'll go get us..
I'll get us some drinks, yeah.
- What do you think, huh? - Can you believe this?
- She's gonna be a nun now. - I know, I can't.
She's a nun. I feel weird.
Hey, how come we don't have any crucifixes hanging up here, huh?
Nothing. Get a magnet one for the fridge or something.
- What? - And you know what?
While she's here, I'm thinking maybe we should both
try to be a little more..
♪ Ah ah ♪♪
Okay, why don't we start by you going to church every Sunday?
Let's not go crazy.
Yeah, you know what this is? This is just her latest phase.
Oh, yeah, yeah, the nun phase, I went through that. Yeah.
This is her, this is what she does to get attention
so I want you to just ignore it, okay?
Just don't make a big deal about the nun..
Will you..
[shushes]
[knock on door]
- Hello there, Ms. Jennifer. - Robert.
A little birdie told me you were comin'.
Oh, you are still the world's best hugger.
[both laughing]
- It's been a while. - Since Ray and Debra's wedding.
Yeah, listen, look, about the wedding
you know, that was a crazy time
and, you know, maybe things got a little out of hand.
You know, all the free champagne
and things moved kind of fast, you know.
- I thought you were sweet. - No, no, I embarrassed myself.
No, you didn't. I've fainted before too.
Yeah, but you didn't take out a wedding cake.
- Well, you look great. - Well, so do you.
- Thanks. Things going well? - Yeah, things are going good.
I got promoted to sergeant, moved into my own place.
- You know, little stuff. - That's great.
So how about you? Whose heart are you breaking these days?
Actually, I'm becoming a nun
so I guess you could say that I'm married to God.
I have a girlfriend.
Her name's Amy.
- Hey, Robert. - Hey, Ray.
Let me help you with that there, buddy.
- It's a glass. - No, it's heavy.
- Let me take it. - Okay.
So did Jennifer tell you about her exciting new business?
Great retirement plan.
[both laugh]
Hey, y-you know who I loved when I was a kid?
- The singing nun. - Oh, yeah, yeah. Me too, yeah.
But only for her music.
Hey, hey, hey, you remember that song?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
♪ Dominique nique nique ♪♪
[singing in foreign language]
- Hey. - Hey, kids in bed?
Yeah, yeah, you should've stayed up.
What a great movie.
Oh, I've seen it a thousand times.
It's almost like the hills really are alive.
And I like when Julie Andrews does this..
- You're very talented. - Yeah. You like that?
Hey, h-how about this?
♪ Dominique nique nique ♪♪
[knock at door]
Hey.
Maybe it won't be so hard to give up men.
I just.. I love that song. I just..
Hey, Deb, you got an alarm clock?
I wanna make 6:30 mass at that church down the street.
6:30? Is God even up then?
Anyone interested in joining me?
I usually go over by work.
- Okay, then. Goodnight. - Night.
I lied half-naked to a nun.
Oh, please. 6:30 in the morning.
That's what time she used to go to bed.
- Where did she get this from? - I don't know.
Maybe your sister got one of those callings.
Yeah, well, then that call was on hold while she dated the who.
Why is this bothering you so much?
I don't know, it's.. You wouldn't understand.
Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm too stupid.
I wouldn't understand. Yeah.
It's not like you're so complicated, you know.
You're mad at her, and it's so obvious why.
Go ahead.
You're mad at her because..
...she dated the who.
No, wait. I know. I know.
I.. You-you are so very mad at her because..
You...are not the good sister anymore.
- What? - Aha-ha!
That's it. That's it.
You always used to be the good one
and Jennifer was the bad one.
But now she's becoming a nun
which makes her the really good one.
- She wins. - That's not it.
Wh.. Then what is it?
I don't know, but that's not it.
Oh, you just don't like me being right, right?
You're allowed to analyze me up and down
but I-I hit on a psychological undercoating
and-and you-you can't give me my due.
You're a genius, professor.
So what?
So you're the bad one.
So what?
I prefer the bad one.
The bad ones are naughty.
Oh. Get off of me, Ray.
- Okay, bad girl.. Alright. - Ray!
[exhales]
All alone in Rightville.
[instrumental music]
Oh, this salad is so wonderful, Jennifer.
It may be the best salad I've ever eaten.
Excuse me, sister Jennifer.
Mightn't I trouble you to pass the peas this way, perchance?
She's not the queen, Frank.
How about not talking with your mouth full?
- How about you jumpin'.. - Wh..
I'm just trying to enjoy God's bounty.
- Let me help you, Deb. - Oh, that's okay, I got it.
I got it. So you want dessert now or later?
Oh, now, dear, 'cause I have something extra special
for Jennifer across the street.
- I already have.. - I'll be right back.
Marie, you shouldn't have bothered.
Oh, nonsense. It isn't every day
that we have someone like you with us.
Ray, would you stop it?
So, uh, Sister Jennifer, uh..
May I ask you a question
that's been on my mind for quite some time?
Sure, Frank.
I-it's a rare opportunity
for me to talk to someone of your vocation
which leads me to my question.
What do you gals wear under there?
- Dad! - Dad!
What? We can't discuss religion at the table?
Deb, Deb, Deb, Deb.
Deb.
- What? - Don't pretend with me.
I only know too well the pain of being number two.
- What did Ray tell you? - About you and your sister?
He doesn't have to tell me.
I've seen that face before..
...in the mirror.
No, my sister and I don't have that kind of relationship.
Oh, no?
It starts the first day they bring the new one home.
There you are, innocently playing with your bongo monkey.
All the relatives just oohing and ahhing
over the new little blessing.
'So cute, so..'
...so precious.
Then mama's darling begins to cry.
Someone comes up with the bright idea
of giving him your bongo.
"That'll calm him down."
And from that day forward
say goodbye to your monkey and assume the position.
You are now number two.
I'm the younger one, Robert.
What's that?
I'm the youngest. They would be giving me the bongo monkey.
Oh. Well, it's just a very general story
intended to illuminate the human condition.
Thank you.
Give me more than Ray.
Okay, who wants ice cream?
- Thank you. - Uh-huh.
Here we go.
A special cake for a special someone.
It's beautiful.
Well, it was made with love
in honor of the sacrifices you're making for us.
Is there a special dessert grace
or can we just chop this thing up?
Let's dig in. I'm sure I won't be seeing much cake
like this in Zaire.
- Ha, Zaire. - What?
You're really gonna go to Zaire and give up cake
and double-stuffed Oreos and men?
What are you saying, I can't do it?
Oh, I, I just think that before you become a nun
and move to Zaire, you might want to
you know, try this lifestyle out for, oh, a weekend.
Debra, I don't think that was appropriate.
♪ Me neither ♪♪
Not appropriate?
Okay, Jen, why don't you tell us
what is appropriate nun behavior?
'Okay? Um..'
Hmm. Smoking?
[chuckles softly]
- You smoke? - I used to smoke.
Yeah, everybody at her commune smoked.
Sometimes those funny little cigarettes, hmm?
[gasps]
Hey, how come Robert's got more ice cream than me?
You were a pot-smoking hippie?
No, it was just a place where people could live together
and grow organic vegetables.
Naked.
You handled food naked?
That's what makes it organic.
Yeah, the hills were really alive then.
- What is wrong with you? - What's wrong with you?
Excuse me.
[knock on door]
[door opens]
- What are you doing? - Do you mind?
- I'd like to be alone. - Come on, you wanna talk?
No. Could you go?
Make me.
I would, but you're a nun now.
I'll put the vows on hold for a second.
- You want a piece of me? - Oh.
- Vows. - Hey, knock it off.
I know you can't believe it
but I happen to be serious about this.
- Why? - What, why am I becoming a nun?
Yeah, why don't you tell me?
Because I wanna be better than you.
What?
Yeah, that's why we all become nuns.
I never thought that was it.
[Jennifer] 'Chocolate, huh?'
- Still got a secret stash? - So what?
I always knew where it was.
You thought you were so cool, hiding your Halloween candy
eating just a little bit so it would last longer than mine.
You didn't know where it was.
Oh, boy, this is the hard stuff.
You must really be upset.
Well, excuse me, but I'm not the one
that just dropped in to say, "Oh, hi, I'm becoming a nun.
So long, suckers."
Debra, this has been coming for quite some time.
Yeah, well, how would I know that?
Because I haven't seen you in two years
and barely before that, and since college
you don't even keep in touch.
I was moving around a lot.
I didn't know what I wanted to do.
Oh, and all of a sudden, you know.
I have known for about a year and a half.
I've had a few weekends at this.
[sighs]
Okay, fine. Fine.
But that's not what's bothering me.
[voice breaking] What's bothering me is..
What?
You weren't around, and I was okay
because I thought that someday you would..
You know..
And..
So I've been waiting, and now you're leaving for good.
[crying] I want a sister.
[sniffles]
Not a sister sister. A sister.
I'm still your sister.
No, you're Zaire's sister.
I mean, Ray and Robert, they have this, like
completely screwed-up relationship
but at least they have each other, you know.
I mean, they fight and they compete
and they blame their lives on their parents.
They're real brothers.
You know, dad still drinks.
That's sweet, but I know what you're trying to do.
[exhales]
Listen, I know how flaky I've been, but this is right for me.
Just like you knew this life was right for you when you met Ray.
Yeah, but you get to go to Zaire
and I'm stuck here with his family.
[Debra sighs]
The Barones could use your help, too, you know.
I can't work miracles.
[chuckles softly]
[sniffles]
[sighs] Ohh.
Then you better pray for me.
That's it? That's it for the ice cream?
That's all we had?
Aw, great.
[sighs]
What's the big deal?
Nothing, I just wanted a little more ice cream, that's all.
I-I hardly had any. I just wanted a little more ice cream.
Nothing. I-I had.. I had squat.
I had nothing.
Nothing ice cream.
Alright, alright. Quit whining.
Bongo monkey.
[theme music playing]