[instrumental music]
[crowd cheering on TV]
Oh, hey, guys.
[both] Yeah.
Don't mind me. I'm just gonna...live here.
- Hey, monkey. - Hey.
- Sorry I'm late. - Yep.
I'd ask how your day was, but I just walked past
five hundred pounds of bad day on the couch.
Yeah, and your father was in our yard today
with his metal detector.
Oh, you're kidding. Did he dig again?
Yeah, four-foot hole. Found a nickel.
Should sprinkle a roll of quarters out there.
He'll dig us a pool.
What else? What else happened?
Oh, some kid on Ally's bus has been picking on her.
Do you want two pieces of chicken or--
Wait a minute. What? Somebody's picking on Ally?
Oh, it's nothing. Some kid calling her names.
Oh, no. Well, what kinda names is he calling her?
It's, it's nothing. Kid stuff.
Oh...kids are the worst.
Alright, what bad thing rhymes with Ally?
Pally? Crally? Schnally?
- Finale? - Yeah, Ray, Ray.
This is how bullies work, Debra.
They-they find a word that rhymes with your name
and then you're that until college.
Trust me, I grew up with the name Raymond.
What rhymes with Raymond?
How about "Lame-mond gay-mond go away-mond?"
I still don't see the humor.
[theme music]
[gasps] Did you do that yourself?
[dramatic music]
They're coming!
["Ode To Joy" by Ludwig Van Beethoven playing]
[music stops]
[door locks]
[heartbeat]
[music continues]
Guess what Debra just told me.
To come in here and flap your gums
when there's two minutes left in the game.
Some kid's been bullying Ally.
What are you talking about?
Who? Who is it? Who's doing it?
I don't know. I don't know.
Some older kid's picking on her, calling her names.
Oh, boy.
At least Ally's name doesn't rhyme
with anything bathroom-related.
Unless..
[muttering]
No, no, you're clear.
This really bunches my shorts.
What? You care?
Hey, we're talking about my granddaughter here.
Of course I care.
Yeah, like you cared when we got bullied.
"Stop crying. People are looking at us."
Yeah.
"These aren't my kids."
You never helped us.
Ally's a girl, Nancy.
Deb, what's this about Ally being picked on?
Oh, she's fine.
It's just some boy on her bus.
A boy?
Alright.
Let's get him.
Wait. What? What? What do you mean?
We'll figure something out in the car.
Let's roll.
Yeah, I could run a check to see if the family
has any outstanding warrants.
Ray.
Well.. Can't we even run a check?
Listen, that's really nice
but, you know, you guys don't have to saddle up
and form a posse.
- Debra doesn't get it. - What? What don't I get?
What it's like to be picked on.
Oh, yeah. You were popular.
[Ray] Yeah, we know.
We know what a big deal this is to Ally
'cause we went through it
especially on the bus.
Oh, the bus. Wedgies, wet willies.
Who's wet willie?
Well, they would wet their finger
and stick it in your ear.
It was chilling.
Get away with that there!
You're supposed to warn me when he's next to me.
Why are you still here, Frank?
You said you were coming across the street
to read the twins a bedtime story.
I did.
And when Hansel and Gretel got away from the witch
I got inspired and stayed here.
Hey, ma, did you hear? Ally's being bullied.
- What? - Yeah, Yeah.
Some kid named Todd Feeney.
Feeney? Got it. I'll take care of it.
[Debra] What? What do you mean? Wait, wait, wait.
Take care of it?
I'll call his mother.
Don't worry. I'm very good at this.
Alright, wait. Listen, Ally will be fine.
She's a very strong little girl.
No, she's not. She's got arms like twigs.
I didn't mean..
Look, I-I appreciate that you all care about her.
I do. But enough, really.
Well, what are we supposed to do, nothing?
Yes, Ray, nothing.
How about we don't interfere and let her live her own life?
Maybe we could set an example.
An example for who?
[giggling]
I know.
[Ray] Hey, Ally. Waiting for the bus?
Yeah.
I didn't get a chance to say
"have a good day" before, you know
with mommy all around, so I thought I'd come out here.
So have a good day, there.
- Okay. - Okay.
Hey, who is this? Todd Feeney?
No.
That's Todd Feeney?
No.
You know, now that I'm all the way out here
why don't I just wait for the bus with you?
- Yeah. - Okay.
[chuckles] Great. Good.
Waitin' for the old school bus.
I remember this.
Long time ago, though.
I remember waiting for the bus
to be invented.
That's how long ago that was.
You know what else I remember as a kid?
That not all the kids were nice.
- Bye, daddy. - Well, wait, Ally.
I wanted to also tell you that..
Okay. Bye, Ally.
Have fun.
I love you!
[groans]
Hey, I'm sorry. Did I get you?
No, no, no. Not really.
Hi, I'm, uh..
I'm Ally's dad, Ray.
- Nice to meet you. I'm Dottie. - Hi.
Nice-looking ride you got here.
Thanks.
You need something?
Yeah, no, no. I just wanted to say good morning.
And, oh, one thing.
I-I heard something about a little problem
between Ally and another child.
- Oh, oh, yeah, right. - Okay, great. Good.
I just wanted to make sure that you were aware of the situation.
I am.
Okay. Okay, good.
Do you want to ride with us today?
Oh...no.
No, no. No.
No, no, yeah? Yeah?
Behind the white line.
Hi, honey.
What are you doing?
Going for a ride.
Hey. Hi, there.
You mind if I sit with you?
Saved.
What?
Saved.
Oh.
Oh, okay. Fair enough.
I-is this saved also?
Okay, look. Is that allowed, 'cause--
I can't drive until everyone's seated.
She won't let me.
So...another day, huh?
Another day, right?
Yeah, school sucks.
Like, math, give me a break.
When are you ever gonna use that?
How about never?
Hey, uh, do you know which
which kid is Todd Feeney?
Hello?
Look...how about, how about I give you a dollar
if you tell me which one Todd is.
Okay. Thank you.
You had your chance, missy.
Did you fail the sixth grade
like a thousand times or something?
[kids giggling]
No.
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, well, thanks for letting me ride along.
Kinda wish there had been some bullying
so I could have put a stop to it.
Oh, she would never do anything with you on the bus.
She? No, I'm talking about Todd Feeney.
Todd Feeney?
All he's ever done is defend his little sister Judy.
What?
Ally's been picking on Judy Feeney.
Ally? My Ally?
- Ally Barone? - Yeah.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
This one? The little ballerina here?
Yeah, yeah. They're all angels.
Are you sure that it's Ally making the trouble
'cause, you know, if you're looking in that mirror
everything's reversed.
Judy Feeney wears these big thick glasses
and your little Ally says she looks like an owl.
Okay, well..
So she, uh, hoots at her.
'And she goes, "Judy hootie, she's got cooties."'
Oh.
The kids like to find a word that rhymes with someone's name
and when they do, they just never let up.
I know. I know.
[instrumental music]
Hey, I thought you left for work without kissing me goodbye.
I rode the bus to school today with Ally.
- You did? - Yes.
And Ally's the bully.
- What? - Well, Dottie told me--
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Dottie?
The bus driver. Take an interest.
Anyway, she told me that ally's been picking on
this little girl with big glasses
calling her an owl.
Judy hootie. Rhyming.
Huh.
That's your reaction to
"your daughter's a bully?" "Huh?"
No. It's not right, and I'll talk to her.
That's it?
You seem pretty laissez-faire about this.
Laissez-faire.
She's just being a kid.
That's what kids do, honey.
No, no, not all kids.
Not me. Not Robert.
Not little Judy hootie
who's been accused of having cooties.
I think you're overreacting.
I don't think you know your daughter.
Yeah, yeah.
Cute little face, blond hair
that's her cover.
Right? She seems harmless. Okay, yeah.
She's like the fish that disguises itself
as a rock, you know, and then you swim by..
Aah!
She's a normal kid, Ray.
No, normal kids don't pick on other kids.
What?
What are you talking about?
You were a kid. You know.
The bus, the playground.
Those are all tough places.
Yeah, well, it turns out they weren't so tough
until she showed up.
Oh.. Please, Ray.
Oh, that's right. Just walk away.
You know, I don't like to point a finger
but she's this way because of you.
- Excuse me? - That's right. You heard me.
You're the role model for her, not me.
- I'm not the woman here. - Oh, no?
Ah, see? Right there. That's what I'm talking about.
That attitude, that-that smarty-pants
stick up for yourself
don't take any crap from anybody--
So you're accusing me of teaching my daughter
to be self-confident.
That's right.
Every jerk I ever met was self-confident.
Yeah. Not every jerk.
Listen, I know the idea of being independent
is very different than the way your mother raised you--
Hey, hey, hey. N-never mind what my mother did, okay?
At least I didn't turn out pushy and mean like..
What? Me?
You think I'm pushy and mean?
You wanna push me right now, don't you?
Yeah, you'd probably tattle.
Wow, I'll tell you
it's a good thing we didn't know each other when we were little
'cause I wouldn't have liked you.
I wouldn't have liked you either, okay?
Yeah, yeah, standing in your little groups at school
making fun of the kid
whose mom showed up with his snow pants.
[laughing] Snow pants.
There was a good chance of snow.
See? You, you're bringing Ally into the family business.
Debra Barone's Ass-Kicking Incorporated.
Pushing people down since 1972.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's better than working at Ray's house of wuss.
You-you want her to be totally dependent on you.
- No, I don't. - You rode her bus today!
So.. Yeah, and you taught her to be self-confident
and now she's hanging kids out the bus window by their ankles.
I told you that I would talk to her
about picking on that little girl when she gets home.
No, you don't talk to her.
You'll spin it. I'll talk to her.
Don't you have to go to work or...someplace?
Yeah, yeah, and you can forget about the kiss goodbye.
[sarcastically] Oh, no. What'll I do?
- You'll miss it, baby. - Oh, yeah.
Hey, hey, lame-mond gay-mond go away-mond.
[Debra laughs]
Bully!
You bully!
Relax. Relax.
Debra, Debra, lovely wife
why am I stuck with you for life?
Sounds like you've had that one for a while.
Maybe. Why? What?
Y-you want one off the top of my head?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
You're a stupid idiot stinker BM!
[instrumental music]
[Debra] 'Ally?'
What are you doing?
Trying to get to her before I can?
[scoffs] No.
What are you doing looking outside?
I was looking.. For your information
there's a shrubbery... thief going around.
Aw, crap.
Hi, we were just on our way to the market, and I..
What's wrong?
Nothing. What do you mean?
I sense tension and anger.
Maybe you're picking up your own scent.
We're fine, Marie.
Raymond?
Ally's the one that's been bullying the kids on the bus.
Oh, my..
Oh, yeah?
Good for her.
- What did she do? - Never mind.
And it's not good.
Hey, there you are. Hey, tiger!
Alright, alright. Frank, Frank.
Honey, I need you to come over here
and sit down for a minute.
Ally! Boom-ba-yay!
- Ally! Boom-ba-yay! - Oh, stop it.
Stop it, Frank.
Honey, have you been picking on other children?
Oh, Marie.
Ally, Dottie told me that you've been making fun of Judy Feeney.
Why were you on my bus today?
Because...daddy loves you very much.
Yech.
All the kids were making fun of me
on the ride home.
Which ones? Give me their names.
Look what you did.
They were making fun of you?
Yes, they kept saying
"Baby Ally and her dorky daddy."
[Frank laughs]
You're dorky daddy.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Look, I was just trying.. I-I didn't know..
Do I have to ride on the bus tomorrow?
Look, sweetie, in a couple of days
those kids will forget about it
and they'll move on to something else.
I'm gonna make up a mean song about Judy.
Oh, honey, we don't sing mean songs.
Alright. Marie...please.
Ally, now, I know I told you to stick up for yourself.
But-but--
Yeah, so I'm gonna make fun of Judy hootie
and then all the other kids will laugh at her.
You're doing a good job with her.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music on TV]
Honey, we need to talk. Okay?
Okay. You want to?
No, you go ahead. You were right.
- You should do it. - Okay.
Um..
Okay, honey.
You see, you saw today
that it's not fun to get picked on, right?
And, um, you know
there are a lot of bad kids out there
and-and you should stop being one.
- Don't say that! - What?
You just said she was, she was a bad kid.
- I did not! - Yes, you did.
- You just said-- - Alright, fine.
There are a lot of great kids out there
and you should try to be like them.
Alright, Ray, stop.
Just what daddy's trying to say--
Oh, you don't have to interpret for me.
- What mommy is trying to say-- - Ray.
See? You don't like it.
Do you understand what I'm trying to say, Ally?
There's a kind of fish that looks like a rock.
Oh, Ray, would you stop? My God.
Do you think I'm bad?
- Oh.. No! No, no. - No, no. No.
- We're bad. We're the bad ones. - No, no! Not that.
- Well, I'm just-- - You don't say that!
I'm saying she's not bad.
W.. R-read a book once in a while.
Oh, read a book, Yeah. I-I make a living.
That's why I don't read a book.
Alright, alright, enough. Listen..
Sweetie, what you did to Judy was bad.
Now, daddy and I..
See, the-the thing is..
You want me to be nice?
- Well, no. - Yes! Yes!
- We want you to be nice. - Yes, great.
Yes, nice.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Okay. Good. - Yeah.
Can I go downstairs and watch TV?
- Sure. You go ahead. - Yeah. Yeah, go.
Go watch TV. Have some fun.
- Nice. Be nice. - Be a nice little girl.
Hey, nice. See that?
Came up with that all by herself. Hmm?
- Well, not really. - What?
What? She just came up with it.
Oh, come on, "be nice," that's my whole thing.
- Huh? - Idiot.
See? Aw, I feel sorry for you.
[instrumental music]
[laughs] Ah...that's a good one.
Yeah. Alright, alright. Here's one you can use.
Uh...Debra, Debra, real good-lookin'
never wanna try her cookin'.
[laughter]
That's a good one. Is that yours?
- I made it up right now. Yeah. - Okay.
Hey, what are you guys doing?
Hi. Nothing. How are you?
- How are you? - Good.
Let's do one about her butt.
[theme music]