DREAMY JAZZ MUSIC
TAPPING
I'm sorry, guys. I wish I could have come here with better news,
but according to these projections,
Reynholm Industries is in a critical position.
We took a major downturn last year, like the rest of the economy,
and as a result we have estimated losses at well over £400 million.
Before we go on, Linda, do you need to go to the toilet?
No.
Then why are you doing a wee-wee walk?
It's incredibly odd and distracting. Maybe it's just me.
No, no, it's not just you, Douglas. I'm also finding it very distracting. Sorry, Linda.
Don't worry about it, Jen.
It is not a wee-wee walk. >
I'm actually doing a round-the-world virtual triathlon
for charity using an iPhone application and Google Maps.
Look, I'm in Spain.
My God, that's hugely impressive.
Haven't you just had a baby?
So they tell me.
FORCED LAUGHTER
Oh, for God's sake.
Sorry. Did that sound like words?
No, do go on, and congratulations on getting an iPhone.
I say we get in Sylvio Bernatelli.
Bernatelli? The most successful businessman of the year?
Why, a word from him can make or break a business.
Look, Reynholm Industries is in a tough spot,
but with Bernatelli as an investor, I think we can come out on top.
This is very convincing, Linda. Damn good job!
Damn good bloody good damn good job!
You're the best woman here. You are a excellent woman.
Linda. Bloody Linda.
"I'm so good at business things! Reynholm Industries!"
God, do you have any idea how annoying this woman is?
I have an inkling.
I just had a eureka moment!
Why do I keep my phone in my trouser pocket? It's too far.
But look at this - top pocket.
Yeah? Not as far. Yeah?
Yeah? Look at that.
See how smooth that is? Ooh, mama!
You see that? You wish you saw that!
Sorry, did I interrupt anything?
No!
She had a baby yesterday and she's already invading Spain.
Linda just had a baby?! Wow. Well, you'd never know.
Ohhhh.
What?
Too much information!
What, that she had a baby?
Ohhhh! Come on!
Moss, it's a natural part of life.
It's not a natural part of my life and I aim to keep it that way.
You should be OK.
Oh, what's that jacket for?
It's not for anything. It was a present. Julia got it for me.
Oh. How is Julia the orphan?
Don't call her that!
Why?
It's the first thing you told us about her.
I totally think of her as Julia the orphan.
Well, get out of the habit of it.
What if it slips out when you meet her in person?
I'm hardly likely to say, "Hello, Julia the orphan" to her, am I?
I totally would say that to her.
Yeah, I know you would!
But she's still an orphan, right?
Yes. Her parents haven't come back to life.
Have you found out the story yet? What happened to them?
No, she doesn't really like talking about it.
Are you not super curious though? I would be.
Yeah, you know, it's none of my business.
Maybe they're not really dead.
Maybe she doesn't know what the word "orphan" means.
Maybe she thinks it just means "houseproud".
I'm leaving now.
Um, Roy?
Yeah?
What's that jacket for?
It's not for anything.
Will you be wearing that all the time now?
Well, maybe.
Julia thinks I can pull it off. You don't like it?
It's the worst thing ever.
< You look like a tall girl.
Maybe a little feminine.
Ah, well, I can understand why you wouldn't like it then.
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, come on, this Linda business?
We get this six or seven times a week, it's always the same.
It's never about a man. You're just one of those women. You're one of those women who don't like women.
Burn it.
You should burn the jacket.
And all this for Sports Relief?
We all have to do our bit.
First you made me want to go to the toilet, and now you make me want to be a better person.
A bit of news on the Bernatelli front, by the way, Douglas.
His translator is sick, so we'll have to hire one.
I could translate if you want.
Can you speak Italian, Jen?
(SPEAKS ITALIAN)
Ha-ha! Very impressive.
(SPEAKS ITALIAN)
Not before I flush the toilet, thank you very much.
PLOP!
Beautiful, delicate, young lady
with such butch hands! I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
You've got lovely hands. And a lovely ring. I've never noticed that before.
It was my mum's.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry Julia. I didn't mean to...
I know you don't want to talk about all that stuff.
No, I'm sorry, Roy. I should just tell you the whole story.
You're going to have to know sooner or later. If you don't mind, I'd like to get it all out now.
Just as long as we never talk about it again.
Yeah.
There was a fire.
A fire?
Oh, God, that's awful. Oh, I'm so sorry.
We were on holiday. We went to a Seaparks?
You know Seaparks, like Seaworld?
Yeah, sure, Seaparks.
It was during a sea lion show.
Oh...
A fire?!
During a sea lion show?!
At Seaparks?!
The flames surrounded us so quickly and we couldn't...
we couldn't... Oh, God!
Oh, are you OK?
I'm OK, I'm OK.
Just promise me we'll never talk about it again.
Sure. Of course. Of course.
But how did the...?
I don't want to talk about it!
You don't speak Italian.
No.
Why did you say you did?
No-one was paying any attention to me.
So what did you actually say at the meeting?
I don't know.
TRANSLATION:
Ha-ha! Very impressive!
He wants me to do a conference call with him.
What am I going to do?
All these lies, Jen. This is exactly what happened with the Iraq War.
It's not that much of a lie, Moss, because I have always wanted to speak Italian.
And I can sound like I'm speaking Italian,
so it's more or less the same thing.
Yeah, except to Italians, or people who can understand Italian.
Exactly. Oh, God!
I'm just going to blue sky this.
Would it be of any help whatsoever if I were to install
a voice-activated translation programme on your laptop?
No, stupid idea! Stupid idea!
No, no, no, no. Voice activated?
Does that mean someone would speak and a translation would appear on the screen?
Actually, now that you put it like that, that could work.
Well done. Good idea, Jen.
Thank you?
The jacket! You're still wearing the jacket!
You all right, Roy? >
Is it the jacket? Because it should be.
No. It's, um...
What? >
Julia told me the story.
So what happened?
Her parents died in a fire.
Oh, God, I'm sorry. That's horrible.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was a fire.
At Seaparks.
Seaparks?
Yeah.
With the...
With the whales and everything, yeah.
Oh, OK.
Seaparks.
Yeah.
Huh.
Yeah.
A fire?
That's right.
At the sea lion show, apparently.
Hmmm.
Aren't those shows usually out in the open?
Well, yeah, yeah, I mean, that's what I would... Yeah.
Lots of water everywhere.
Yeah. I would imagine the whales need a lot of water.
I don't think you can have whales in a place where there isn't a huge amount of water.
It just seems like a weird place to go on fire.
It's a very weird place to go on fire!
A fire? At a Seaparks?
It's the weirdest thing I've ever heard!
Maybe... maybe if there were plastic seats, maybe they could go on...
They don't have plastic seats at Seaparks.
How do you know?
Roy, when I was on holiday I lived at Seaparks.
It's the funnest, wettest, most splish-splashy place in the world!
OK. Did you go and see the sea lion show?
Three times a day for two weeks.
And did they have plastic...
No. It's all stone steps.
Then what went on fire? I've checked Wikipedia.
There is no mention of a fire at any Seaparks.
Do you think maybe she's lying?
No. I mean, why would she lie?
And if she was going to lie, why would she use this one?
A fire at a Seaparks?!
It's wrecking my head!
I mean, if she had said that her parents had drowned,
I'd be the happiest man in the world.
But a fire? At a Seaparks?
It's just... Oh!
It opens up a lot of questions.
Well, maybe you could ask her.
No, no, no, no! We can never talk about it again.
Well, maybe you could just...
No, no, no. We can never talk about it for the rest of our lives.
Well, then, I suppose you're just going to have to try and stop thinking about it.
That's another great idea.
You're on fire, if you'll pardon the expression.
(MAN SPEAKS ITALIAN)
I would be very happy to come and have a look.
Next week is good for me.
We're certainly looking forward to your visit,
and can't wait to give you the full Reynholm Industries experience.
(SPEAKS ITALIAN)
(MAN SPEAKS ITALIAN)
Oh, he says he's looking forward to meeting me.
Oh!
(LAUGHS GIRLISHLY)
'Ciao, Jen. Ciao, tutti.'
Ciao. Maybe you're the best woman.
12 exits.
There are 12 exits!
What are you doing?
Oh! What?
What are you doing on the computer?
Masturbating.
Ba-doo!
Isn't it Bernatelli today? Shouldn't you be preparing?
No, I think I'm OK, Moss.
I've learnt a few conversational basics, and when he gets going,
I'll just fire up this baby.
I do want to feel refreshed, though, for the meeting, so I'm
going to go to sleep for a few hours.
Is that what you're having for lunch? A big pile of mashed potato?
I fancied it.
It's a Seaparks, isn't it?
You're building a Seaparks out of mashed potato!
There are 12 exits, Moss!
12 exits! For only 200 people!
You're going Close Encounters crazy, Roy!
You need to let it go.
To have killed anyone, the fire has to start here, here and here and
close in like this. But how's it spreading?
There's no wood in a Seaparks arena.
And why is there no wood?
Because it rots. And why does it rot?
Because of all the water.
Damn, that mash looks tasty.
Password?
It didn't ask for a password before.
Moss?
Where's Moss?
It's payday, he's probably gone to Namco.
Where's Namco?
Flip! It's an iPhone.
It's a flipping iPhone in the crane machine!
Plum out of coin.
Moss!
What am I going to do?
What are you...how did you get in there?
Through the hole.
Why?
There's an iPhone, Jen! An actual iPhone!
I need your password.
I need the password for the translation programme.
Help me get the iPhone first!
I can't move my arms.
No.
I need to get it down the chute.
Someone else will take it if you don't.
I'm sure they're not giving it away. An engineer must have dropped it.
No, no, no. It's a prize! You've got to help!
I don't have time.
But it's an iPhone, Jen.
I may be able to get an iPhone without giving any money to Apple!
I'll be living the dream.
What's the password?
What's the password? Moss?
Moss!
Oh, I'm so excited about the sealion show. Oh, yay!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Luigi, Joe
and Slippery Pete!
Oh, yay, yay, woo-hoo!
Oh, no, what's all this smoke?
Oh, smoke.
I'm going to need smoke.
Where is it?
I think I must be blocking it. I'll try and move to clear the passage.
HE GROANS IN EFFORT
Come on, Moss.
Come on Moss, you can do it. Push!
Come on, Moss, keep breathing. PUSH!
Shut up!
You can do it, Moss!
I hate you!
Why are you saying that?
I don't know. Stop talking!
Come on, Moss. That's it.
It's coming! I can see it. I can see the start button!
One last push! One, two, three, push!
Urrghhhhhh!
Come on, Moss, push! Push!
PHONE TUMBLES DOWN
It's beautiful!
Password!
Where the hell have you been?
Sorry, it's just...
It doesn't matter.
So far, he's satisfied with general laughter.
Mr Bernatelli, meet Jen.
Ah, excellent, Jen. Come va?
Quando io andare qui mi ho pensato, "Capelli biondo o nero?", ma e rosso, bellissima.
Vienetta Fiat Punto.
Leave that laptop outside.
No. What?
We have to think about security, Jen.
How do we know that laptop isn't somehow
able to connect to the internet?
No, no. It is able...
Then get it out of here!
Look. Look at this! Look at how long it's taking to go on fire.
And this is made of matches!
So, first of all, I'd like to extend the
warmest welcome to Mr Bernatelli,
and hope today is the beginning of a long and fruitful partnership.
Allora.
Il volio extendere una warm welcome a Mr Bernatelli...
..e macarena, machiato, Luca Brazzi, Gianluca Vialli, Sophia Loren.
He says it's a pleasure to be here.
I see, so if the fire started here,
and they were there, there's no way they could have escaped.
So they must have been there.
Oh, look at this.
Stop it. Go out.
Ow! Ow, my hands!
Oh, Christ!
Bocalago di Super Mario.
I have always wanted to visit England.
I'm looking forward to sampling some of your famous English...food.
I'm sure that can be arranged.
Mella bella arrangela.
What do you want to talk about?
You listen to me, Bernatelli.
Me-a listen, Bernatelli.
I hope by the end of this meeting, we can become firm friends.
Stado-wacko tu con-backo con leo firma friende.
I like you, and I like what you've done with your company.
A like-a tupo-grada compania.
Hopefully, we can join forces and plough our way
through these uncertain times.
Hopa-fully, joina-forcere, plough-a uncertain time-a.
What do you say? Bernatelli and Reynholm Industries.
Together, we'll be bigger than ever.
Bernatelli a Reynholm industrees,
della fella bella, bigger than evera.
Hey, I'm going to stand up and start talking slightly louder.
Do you like my suit or not?
The woman to my left smells like she's been for a run.
This meeting is going better than you might think.
I love what you have done with this office.
Can I borrow some of your erotic art?
For how long?
On second thoughts, I'm going to go.
Never contact me again, because I'm mental.
Well, that was a waste of time.
Next time you have a bright idea, Linda, keep it to yourself.
But...
And for God's sake, get a shower.
Oh, my God, Roy!
Hiya!
Oh my God, you poor thing. Look at your hands.
How did it happen?
It's kind of hard to explain.
What did...
I don't want to talk about it.
SNORING
Moss!
Hello?
Starting to get pretty lonely now.
These toys may smell of wee, come the morn.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd